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Unimpressive Superpowers

October 20, 2015

In movies/TV superpowers are made to be useful/powerful/etc., but maybe in real life we would end up with superpowers that don’t do much of anything. If we got them by mutation, we should expect them to generally be useless or worse. What useless or generally unimpressive powers could we end up with?

  1. You can type the letter “L” on a keyboard without touching it, but nothing else.
  2. You could fall asleep whenever you want. (Actually, that would be nice.
  3. You could teleport to the moon, but would have to go naked, so you would end up dying there if you stayed there.
  4. You could turn your hair slightly darker at will.
  5. You could grow one more strand of hair on your head, but you can’t use the power more than once each year.
  6. You could manipulate your voice to be a little bit deeper than you could without the power.
  7. You can grow your toe nails twice as fast as anyone else.
  8. You can stretch your tongue out enough to touch your forehead.
  9. You can shoot glitter out of nowhere. Not a lot, but enough to entertain people a little bit.
  10. You can turn cotton into wool.
  11. Your muscles are many times stronger than normal human muscles, but your bones, tendons, ligaments, skin, etc. are not.
  12. You have x-ray vision . . . as in you can visually detect x-rays. You can’t emit them or anything, though, and you just perceive them along with all the other colors you see.
  13. You can jump 12% higher than a normal human.
  14. You can extend your forefinger by an extra quarter-inch.
  15. You can at will make the skin on your face slightly darker.
  16. You can generate enough static charge to make your own hair stand up or give someone a slight shock.
  17. You are particularly good at sensing people’s intentions.
  18. You can reflect and refocus light from your eyes in a way that makes it a bit easier to see in the dark.
  19. By concentrating hard enough, you can make compass needles move a few degrees.
  20. Your skin is 8% more resistant to heat than normal.
  21. You can safely digest one normally toxic or indigestible material, like sand or mercury.
  22. Your teeth are much harder than normal human teeth.
  23. Your respiratory system, instead of being reliant entirely on oxygen, can also make use of xenon.
  24. Your pancreas is 60% more efficient than a normal human pancreas.
  25. There is a single, specific lie, like, “My name is Harold Reeves,” or “Bruce Willis is my cousin,” which is invariably believed by anyone to whom you utter it.
  26. Whenever you pick your nose, no one notices.
  27. You never forget to turn things off when you are done using them. Ever. You do still sometimes forget that you never forget to turn things off, though.
  28. You can cause you hair and nails to stop growing at will.
  29. You can communicate with people telepathically, but only within the range at which your voice could normally be heard, only within a language you already know, the targets perceive your thoughts as sounds coming from you, and your thoughts are broadcast to all minds within that range . . . so it’s mostly indistinguishable from actually speaking.
  30. You can feel hungry at will.
  31. You control the trajectory and propulsion of ejaculate
  32. You can at will split your pee stream into dual streams, mondays even three
  33. You can direct the flow of your fart and even time when it’s smellable up to 3 seconds
  34. When you poop, you only have to wipe your butt once
  35. You can always get comfortable on any couch.
  36. You can grow fur on your body at will. Not a lot, but enough to get fuzzy after a day of fur growth. It won’t grow any longer than that.
  37. You can sharpen a pencil with your mind, but it takes an hour.
  38. You can read someone’s mind, but only as they are talking to you, when your forehead is pressed against their forehead, and people almost always have their mind on what they are saying as they say it.
  39. You can change people’s hair color to pink, but you have to touch it with your finger, and it takes a really long time to make all their hair pink in that way.
  40. You know how to turn gold into lead as soon as you reach forty four years of age. The scientific way. You still need the technology to actually do it.
  41. You have a 52% chance to flip tails
  42. Smoking only increases your risk of death by 10%
  43. Once a month you have really incredible ideas but 9/10 don’t make sense when you communicate them
  44. Vegetables taste better to you than the average person
  45. Sometimes your knees hurt, but half as often as others.
  46. You have a 10% better chance to win negotations with absurd deals
  47. Your poops never take longer than 4 minutes
  48. Your head smells, but on weekends it kinda smells like cinnamon but not entirely
  49. People are more likely to take your advice, but only on trivial matters
  50. You have accurate perception of your abilities, but only in regards to how long it’ll take to clean things.
  51. You know the unverifiable answers to the first five “paranormal” questions after you turn thirty three when you spend an hour thinking about them, but you don’t really know that you know the answers, and you would have no way to convince anyone. For example, you will know if there is life after death, but only if the answer would have no way of being verified.
  52. You are slightly more motivated to do things that you need to get done on time.
  53. You find facebook slightly less addicting than you would without the ability.
  54. You can count up to ten objects immediately without taking any time.
  55. You can see with your eyes closed as though your eyelids are a one way mirror, but only for two seconds after your close your eyes.
  56. You are, in a statistically significant way, much better than everyone else at guessing what number from one to ten that other people are thinking of when they are thinking of such a number.
  57. You don’t have to blink nearly as often as most people do.
  58. Your fingerprints are exactly identical to the fingerprints of another living human being (NB: two people have this power).
  59. You never experience any of the “rare but serious side effects” of any prescription medications.
  60. Cats like you. Even cats that normally don’t like anyone.
  61. You get less mad than others when someone fucks your order up, but only chai mocha soy pumpkin lattes
  62. Your electronic fail, but always at below the average failure rate in regards to refurbished laptops only
  63. Your grandma will not get dementia
  64. If you ever fall down the stairs, the worst injury you can expect is a broken toe
  65. You always can break a writer’s block, but the ideas that follow are mediocre.
  66. All of your posts get at least 3 likes, but they usually don’t really like them a lot.
  67. Among your friends, you’re considered cool, but your friends are pretty lame
  68. Your dad makes funnier dad jokes than average, but they tend to make your mom upset and then your parents fight a little and it usually interferes with a show you’re watching
  69. When doing the 69, your partner will almost never fart.

These are the ideas we came up with on Facebook. Contributions are from JW Gray, Aaron Mobley, and Zapp Brannigan.

Did we miss any? We can continue the list in the comments.

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